What’s most important?

Recently I have taken the time to think about what matters to me the most. Every year around this time I tend to be hard on myself. I isolate. I pull out my New Years Resolution list. Everything on the list is never fully completed. It never fails that I feel disappointed in myself, and I anxiously try to think of a plan to retract myself. No more of this!

These last few weeks I begin to ask the Lord to help me focus on what is important. I have come to a place in prayer where I desire for him to reveal to me what “HE” feels is important for my life. Often what he feels, and what I feel are very different . There are things he desires for me, and there are things that I want (Isaiah 55:8).  To be honest.. I often find myself torn between the two. When I was trained as a counselor, we were challenged and reminded daily to examine our intentions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I desire these things? What is driving my actions? What is my heart revealing? Why I am acting this way? We push our clients to think through these ideas. These person centered thoughts have become ingrained into the fiber of who I am. There is not one single day that I am not reflecting on these things. As a result, time and time again God humbles me and reveals my impure and selfish intentions. Amazingly this process has caused me to be more sensitive, and more understanding to others then I can ever imagine. But the downside is this.. I focus so much on myself and the intentions of others, that I forget to think about God and his intentions towards me. Do not be mistaken… The thoughts and plans you have for yourself will NEVER be better than the plans that God has towards you. The more I pursue life for myself, the further from Christ I will be. My desire is to fill up my thoughts of God, in the place I would normally place myself. My desire is to forfeit my will, and change my behavior. He demands and deserves to be the center of my thoughts. I cant help but to wish that I spent more time this year searching why God feels the way he does, instead of why I feel the way I do. What is his plan for me, instead of my own goals and desires. God your will, not my own.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

fullsizer

Advertisements

No framework

Grad school taught me how to reflect…. How to reflect on my emotions, what I am feeling and why.Reflection has taught me the good and the ugly about myself. My driving desires, my preconceived notions, my ungodly motives, defense mechanisms, and my selfish passions. It has also taught me that I am extremely tolerant of others, very selfless, and think more like Christ then I’d often give myself credit for.  This framework tends to keep you on your toes about sin and character flaws. While often reminding me of how much I have grown. How I am no longer a person that I am ashamed of.

Yeah I guess I am the overly rational one. You know, the girl who takes pen and paper and write down the pros and cons before life’s decisions.  The girl who thinks of every possible outcome of a situation, just to try to prepare my heart for whatever God will allow to happen to me. I replay different scenarios. Think of others that have been in similar or common situations. I go through the archives of my brain of previous conversations, advice, and wise counsel from those who have made mistakes before me. Often times being selfish and not including God while all this ranting and thinking is going on. Who do I think I am not to include him? That’s foolish. Wow, this is really the essence of who I am, who I have become. This is engrained vs. ingrained in my makeup. I really have a love/ hate relationship for this part of who I am.I mean that’s why I started this blog in the first place.

Sometimes I just sit back and imagine how it would be just to let go…. To just float, I have been testing the waters a little lately. No pens, no paper, no post it notes locked in my phone, No “there’s no possible way because”. To maybe undo this psychological framework and “just be”.What would that be like? Probably a mess I tell myself. I like to think that this brings me structure but sometimes it is so much more about control. We like to have control over our lives, over who we love, over our future, and even how we die and who dies..lol. Its silly!!  Because of so many reasons that I don’t feel like going into right now. My framework feels so right. It feels safe, easy, warm and comfortable like my favorite brown throw blanket. Or like my favorite running sneakers I examined today with the torn flapping sole. I love those sneakers they make me feel so light on my feet.

 

Image

Your Everything

Find me here, and speak to me
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light that’s leading me to the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You’re everything
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won’t let me fall
You steal my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in, take me deeper now
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Cause you’re all I want, you’re all I need
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
Everything, everything

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better-any better than this
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

This is one of my favorite songs “Everything” by Lifehouse. I love to listen to this early in the morning when my brain is all cluttered with thoughts. It sets me right on track and reminds me how I am nothing without him. What beautiful worship

Desperate for change

I know I havent been patient and I know I havent waited long enough…But I am ready. Ready for something new. Somewhere new. Ready for someone just like you. Daily I’ve meditated about whats to come. What you have for me next and who you have for me next. Where you’d have for me to go.

I know that I am blessed, but maybe I haven’t counted my blessings lately, because I feel desperate. Desperate for whats next, for whats to come. Please begin to develop patience in me. Know that I will never stop looking to the hills with my hands far stretched. Stretched out to the one who is sovereign in my life. You know me more than anyone. You know what I feel, what I need and what my future holds. I can rejoice in your faithfulness. Because even when I have been disappointed I can have confidence that you are involved.

Friends take courage. You are not alone in your wait, neither are you alone in the feelings and struggles that come along with being patient. Patiently wait and win in the future which is orchestrated by our father. What are you lacking patience about?

patience

Rescued

I often think of how I have overcome things in my life. By all means it is not by my own strength. I know that it is only by Gods love. He rescued me. My future is uncertain but it will never change what I know is certain about the Lord. God, I often remind myself of all of your promises. My heart then begins to be filled with peace. I am Humbled and drowned by my faith in you. I can always find hope and light knowing that I am forever yours. I often listen to this song and it always touches my heart.

Ladybria

Maybe I ..

thinksaySo I have not blogged in over a week and I must say I have been pretty anxious about it…my mind is feeling pretty cluttered. But as a sit here for 30 mins plus- still no topic, nothing to write about.  So many things are going through my mind but I just can’t find the words to write them. Its like I know what I feel but I’m not quite sure how Id like to express them. Maybe because there is so many things inside me to express?  These thoughts and emotions have been bottled up for days. And I’m starting to feel like blogging is one of the ways to get them out. Wow, have I become dependent upon my own therapeutic blog, which is supposed to be therapeutic for others? Im fine with that…. Maybe I feel this way because my new job has consumed the time that I used to spend with the Lord; time in his presence, deep reflection, and surreal mediation as I would sit patiently waiting to hear back from him. Man do I miss that time. Maybe I feel this way because I am realizing that I am turning 29 years old in less than one month and it brings up a lot of mixed emotions. Maybe I’m realizing that heartache is something that only time can truly heal. No matter how much you pray, or block it out your mind. Maybe I’m realizing that I have so much to be grateful for that I often overlook my blessings, and I feel really guilty about that. Maybe I feel this way because I sooooo desperately want to see myself the way God sees me because I secretly feel like that would change my life forever. Maybe Im realizing that being an entrepreneur and working full- time is much harder than I anticipated. Maybe I feel this way because my friends mother almost died. I feel this way because I know that the more you know the more you realize that you don’t know. I realize that all of my legalistic ways mean nothing to God so now I have to reconstruct my schema. Maybe I feel this way because I’ll never be perfect, but I can be close to it if I keep realizing the “maybe’s” about myself.Maybe I realize I have a “Clutter Brain” that I am still learning to accept that. What have you realized?

Topicless,

Ladybria

Is Christmas Merry?

Christmas is such a beautiful holiday and many people make a big deal and put a lot of energy into it. Especially if you have children, and a huge beautiful family to enjoy it with. But I cant help but to think of so many people that Christmas wont be merry for. We say “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holidays” which is all fine and well. But, what about the person who will be alone on Christmas because they don’t have family? Or what about the person who has lost their job and is in financial hardship? Especially when the focus of Christmas in our society is all about gifts and being happy. What if you’ve lost a loved one? Times that once brought happiness, now brings sadness. I often think of those who have loved ones who were murdered and now their presence is gone.  Or people who have gone through a nasty break up or divorce.These people are left with emotions, memories and sadness to deal with alone.This can be a very lonely time of year for many. Lets not forget about them! There is something that we can offer to those that are not Merry during the holidays. What is Christmas all about? Encourage someone who doesn’t have or wont have. Think of those who have had significant loss over the past few years and give them a call, encouragement, or acknowledgement. Spend time with them and lighten their heart.From me to the hurting person, the lonely person, the sorrowing person. I give the true meaning of Christmas to you. Which is Immanuel “God is with you”, He will help you”,and  He will strengthen you”.The virgin will be with child and will give birth to a son, and they will call him Immanuel”–which means, “God with us.” Matt 1:23

God is with you,
Ladybria

holiday-depressed-mom