What’s most important?

Recently I have taken the time to think about what matters to me the most. Every year around this time I tend to be hard on myself. I isolate. I pull out my New Years Resolution list. Everything on the list is never fully completed. It never fails that I feel disappointed in myself, and I anxiously try to think of a plan to retract myself. No more of this!

These last few weeks I begin to ask the Lord to help me focus on what is important. I have come to a place in prayer where I desire for him to reveal to me what “HE” feels is important for my life. Often what he feels, and what I feel are very different . There are things he desires for me, and there are things that I want (Isaiah 55:8).  To be honest.. I often find myself torn between the two. When I was trained as a counselor, we were challenged and reminded daily to examine our intentions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I desire these things? What is driving my actions? What is my heart revealing? Why I am acting this way? We push our clients to think through these ideas. These person centered thoughts have become ingrained into the fiber of who I am. There is not one single day that I am not reflecting on these things. As a result, time and time again God humbles me and reveals my impure and selfish intentions. Amazingly this process has caused me to be more sensitive, and more understanding to others then I can ever imagine. But the downside is this.. I focus so much on myself and the intentions of others, that I forget to think about God and his intentions towards me. Do not be mistaken… The thoughts and plans you have for yourself will NEVER be better than the plans that God has towards you. The more I pursue life for myself, the further from Christ I will be. My desire is to fill up my thoughts of God, in the place I would normally place myself. My desire is to forfeit my will, and change my behavior. He demands and deserves to be the center of my thoughts. I cant help but to wish that I spent more time this year searching why God feels the way he does, instead of why I feel the way I do. What is his plan for me, instead of my own goals and desires. God your will, not my own.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

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Maybe I ..

thinksaySo I have not blogged in over a week and I must say I have been pretty anxious about it…my mind is feeling pretty cluttered. But as a sit here for 30 mins plus- still no topic, nothing to write about.  So many things are going through my mind but I just can’t find the words to write them. Its like I know what I feel but I’m not quite sure how Id like to express them. Maybe because there is so many things inside me to express?  These thoughts and emotions have been bottled up for days. And I’m starting to feel like blogging is one of the ways to get them out. Wow, have I become dependent upon my own therapeutic blog, which is supposed to be therapeutic for others? Im fine with that…. Maybe I feel this way because my new job has consumed the time that I used to spend with the Lord; time in his presence, deep reflection, and surreal mediation as I would sit patiently waiting to hear back from him. Man do I miss that time. Maybe I feel this way because I am realizing that I am turning 29 years old in less than one month and it brings up a lot of mixed emotions. Maybe I’m realizing that heartache is something that only time can truly heal. No matter how much you pray, or block it out your mind. Maybe I’m realizing that I have so much to be grateful for that I often overlook my blessings, and I feel really guilty about that. Maybe I feel this way because I sooooo desperately want to see myself the way God sees me because I secretly feel like that would change my life forever. Maybe Im realizing that being an entrepreneur and working full- time is much harder than I anticipated. Maybe I feel this way because my friends mother almost died. I feel this way because I know that the more you know the more you realize that you don’t know. I realize that all of my legalistic ways mean nothing to God so now I have to reconstruct my schema. Maybe I feel this way because I’ll never be perfect, but I can be close to it if I keep realizing the “maybe’s” about myself.Maybe I realize I have a “Clutter Brain” that I am still learning to accept that. What have you realized?

Topicless,

Ladybria

You want my heart?

You want my heart?

Why so? I mean you say it’s desperately wicked, and unfortunately I am a witness to that. You long for my heart, you desire to guard it and things that are within. It holds my secrets, my desires, the sin, the thoughts, the short- comings, the unclean things, my dreams, and the matters of my heart.

You want my heart?

I’ve tried to give it to others who didn’t handle it with care. Not blaming them but they didn’t know what to do with it. But YOU…. WOW! You want it? …this old tricky heart of mines. And you promised you’d care for it like no one else can or will. That makes me smile, it makes me happy just to know you desire to have my heart. My heart is who I am, the wellspring of my life (Prov 4:23). My mind, my emotions, my will, and even my sinful nature.

You want my heart?

If others seen my heart the way that you do, they probably wouldn’t want it. But you do see my heart, you see me for who I really am. And you still want it. Your so patient, you’re so different, and unconditional. It seems unreal that someone perfect as you would want my heart. But you do….You want me to give it to you. You want it purified, poured out, exposed, tested, involved, unhardened and renewed, and your willing to help with the process to get it there.  But your willing to embrace it and love me even if it isn’t, flawed and all that comes with that.

You want my heart?

Because you paid for it all… This means I belong to you.To the one I belong, you can have it all. You can have my heart, because you want it.I give you all of me, because I trust you will keep it safe and I believe your words. I don’t have the right to withhold my heart from you. So I let you into my life, all of my secret parts. This is my simple truth of a heart devoted to you.

Yes, of course you want my heart

Heart giver,

Ladybria

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Clutter Brain

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Caricature designed by Alexis Keys, age 18

What is Clutter Brain?

Anyone that knows me intimately knows that I have the type of personality where I am always thinking, observing, or analyzing something. They call me a “clutter brain”. With much practice, monitoring, and reflection. I have come to control this clutter to the best of my ability.

There is always a ton of things going on in my mind all at once. It can be quite overwhelming at times. This blog is way that I can use my gifts. It’s creativity and therapeutic for me at the same darn time.  It is also a way to release some of the things that is and always have been held inside of my heart.God laid it on my heart to start this blog after graduate school… So let his will be done