This is her amazing story of hope in her relationship with her mother. Feel free to comment, share, and ask Tanya questions. This is a open forum. This story is true but the names in the story has been changed for confidentiality purposes. Ladybria
As far back as I can remember I had issues in every relationship that I was engaged in. Whether it was parental, romantic, spiritual, familial, marital or even friendly, there was some type of dysfunction. My earliest memory of my first formed relationship was with my mother which is typical. That first relationship was also the one that had the greatest impact on my life and helped shape me negatively and positively.
My mother had me when she was 21 years “young” which is probably the reason I spent a lot of time with my aunt. I had so much fun with my aunt that I really didn’t notice my mother’s absence. Wherever Auntie went there I was. The Gallery Mall, Seafood Shanty, the movies; you name it, we were there. We spent so much time together that people in the neighborhood thought she was my mom and that was okay with me! As my Auntie got older and began establishing relationships of her own, I was left home with my grandmother. Although I loved my Grandma, she was not really fun filled. She always kept all the house lights off in the house and sat on the phone in the kitchen cackling with her girlfriends with the television on mute. I guess that’s when I began to notice my mother’s absence. The absence continued on for years. When I was about 12 years old, my Mom met someone, fell in love, and moved into a place together all within three months. The man that she married, I grew to love especially due to the absence of my biological father. When we moved into our new home I thought it was the beginning of a new era for me. I saw my mom more and I was excited about building a relationship with her. I had my own room and I didn’t have to share one with my mom anymore, and a family that consisted of a mother and father. Wow….this is the life… so I thought. In this new era of my life I really got to know my Mom and the relationship that I desired, I know longer wanted. I began to see that she was a very controlling woman who wanted things her way and if she didn’t get it the entire house would be absolutely chaotic and unsettling. Nothing I did in her eyesight was right especially if it wasn’t her way. Why was she like this? Why did she have to be this way? I looked at other mother and daughter relationships and wondered why we couldn’t have that. The shopping together, spa days, talking, just simply hanging out; I longed for and desired that but it seemed the more I wanted it the further we were from achieving that. I found myself living my life to please her and to gain her acceptance but it never happened. I used to cry to my family and for years they would tell me the same thing, “you know how your mother is”. I got so tired of hearing that! Yeah, I knew how she was but it didn’t make it right. No one said anything to her. No one ever told her she was wrong. When I tried to tell her, I was deemed disrespectful so I never said anything to her again. It was useless anyway because she accepted correction from no one. She was always right and everyone else was wrong. I remember getting condoms from my high school health class during our Sex Education segment and she found them in my room. Instead of her talking to me about it she slapped me and called my every name not in God’s book and I wasn’t even sexually active at the time. I tried to tell her but she didn’t want to hear it.
Due to the lack in the nurturing and expressed love from my mother and the absence my natural father, I began to look outside of my family for love and acceptance. At 16 I was showed some interest from the neighborhood drug dealer, Jay, and we immediately began dating. He was 21 and everything to me. Jay gave me money; bought me sneakers and everyone knew that I was his girl. I lost myself in him. I would sneak him in my bedroom at night when everyone was asleep and he would leave just before the break of dawn. He was my every dream. One night I was sitting on the back step of my house waiting for Jay to come back from New York and his friend Bobby came and sat with me. We were just chillin’ and kicking it. He asked me for some water and I thought nothing of it so I went and got him some. When I got back with the water Bobby was in the house. He began to touch me inappropriately and I told him to stop and leave or else I was going to tell Jay. He said if I tell then he would tell my parents that I have been sneaking Jay into the house at night. I got scared about how my Mom would react so I let him continue what he was doing. He raped me for 30 minutes while telling me the entire time that I wanted it and he see why Jay always sneaking in my house at night. That was the last time I sat on the back steps. I never told Jay or anyone for that matter.
The relationship between my mom and I had gotten worst. I continued on this destructive path of looking for acceptance and love outside of her. Several more failed relationships of all types and even a failed marriage. I tried to change my ways and press pass my issues but I continued to fail.
I, like my mother, met, fell in love, and married a man all within three months. Our relationship was great in the beginning however; my deep rooted issues with rejection and abandonment from my early childhood began to surface. Our relationship began to deteriorate and we divorced within a year of marriage. My ex- husband told me one day during an argument that I was just like my mother. I was crushed, distraught, dismayed, and downtrodden. I never wanted to be like her. My worst nightmare became a reality. At that time I had no one else to turn to. No family member, no friend…no one, so I thought. I decided to turn to God and truly give every hurt, pain, and disappointment over to him. I drowned myself in him and sought to perfect my relationship. I was saved but my relationship with God was not as it should have been. I began to really seek Him and prayed for him to reveal to me, myself. God did just that. He began to show me that I was a lot like my mother. He showed me that I was controlling, stubborn, manipulative, and deceitful amongst other things. He also showed me my generational curses, continued cycles of sin, my imperfections and my emotional roller coaster. I was grateful to him for showing me all of me but I was more grateful to him for giving me the antidote for my healing, restoration and wholeness. The antidote was Him. The more I prayed the more I was able to deal with my past hurts, the more I lost myself in him the more he cleansed me, the closer I got to Him the more He strengthened me to overcome my issues. Because of the deepening of my relationship with Christ I can now love my mother in spite of her flaws and imperfections, love my husband like I should have when we first became husband and wife, and most of all, have freedom and perfect peace in every area of my life because I keep my mind stayed on him. No longer do I try to figure out someone’s actions or do I dwell on being the victim, instead, I try to identify with the root cause of their actions and pray for them. Later on in life God revealed that my mom witnessed infidelity, verbal, physical and emotional abuse of her mother at the hand of her father. She also suffered abuse, rejection, and abandonment by her father as well. These sufferings that she never realized or sought healing from became a part of her and caused her to treat me the way that she did. It was all she knew. Knowing this, the anger that I used to have towards my mother has transitioned into sadness along with a longing for her healing and true deliverance. I now have patience and love for her that I never had before, agape love. Although I am not currently in the place where I desire to be with my mother, we have definitely come out of the valley. I was only able to do this through strengthening my relationship with God. By God loving me, teaching me how to love myself through my imperfections, and showing me how to love people through their flaws and their faults, am I now able to have healthier relationships in my life.