My Long Journey Against Change

chnage

One thing I know about myself is that I DO NOT do well with change. I have dismiss the idea because I feel anxiety and my stomach turns just thinking about it.  I can be a control freak, and I become rigid in my thinking when taking risk. About a year ago, I came to the realization that my resistance to change begin to affect those who I love, and it started to stunt my growth. When did I become so uptight? When did I become so selfish? Most importantly when did I stop relying on God?  To take it a step further… did I ever fully rely on him? As a Christian I was ashamed to even admit that! At work I even avoided firing someone who definitely needed to go. Just because I didn’t want change in my department. Talk about foolishness! I went to the Lord in prayer “God help me to accept change. Help me to accept failure…. and help me to realize that you still love and have grace towards me when I fall”.

My life began to change, and it was unbelievably hard. I begin to let loose on my safety ropes ,and begin to take those 100 volt risk. It definitely has been a long process and a journey. I did things that I would NEVER do. I stumbled a lot, I was so afraid, I cried in discomfort, I tripped a few times. I succeeded and I have also failed. I must admit my failures go straight to my heart. I feel the full impact of the landing. They feel permanent, rejected, sometimes piercing, heavy, or like a tear.  I like stability. I don’t like feeling caught off guard. I like the known. I like planning my future. I don’t like my normal to be snatched away. I like knowing the essence, and intent of people in my life. I like to be liked.  I love to be transparent. I enjoy the process, but hate the ending. How am to have this ideology, in a world with everything being unpredictable. Life is unpredictable. TRUMP IS PRESIDENT! And I am in denial about the change that Obama is not..lol.  I am maturing and beginning to look at change differently. I had to begin to not fear change or avoid it, but look at it as necessary and inevitable. Our relationships change, if not entirely, the circumstances change, our feelings change, other people’s feelings change, our bodies change, nothing is ever exactly the same each moment. We can not fully embrace God while holding on to our lives. Change is necessary for growth. I have no choice but to let go.

Matthew 6:27-33 –Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Desperate for change

I know I havent been patient and I know I havent waited long enough…But I am ready. Ready for something new. Somewhere new. Ready for someone just like you. Daily I’ve meditated about whats to come. What you have for me next and who you have for me next. Where you’d have for me to go.

I know that I am blessed, but maybe I haven’t counted my blessings lately, because I feel desperate. Desperate for whats next, for whats to come. Please begin to develop patience in me. Know that I will never stop looking to the hills with my hands far stretched. Stretched out to the one who is sovereign in my life. You know me more than anyone. You know what I feel, what I need and what my future holds. I can rejoice in your faithfulness. Because even when I have been disappointed I can have confidence that you are involved.

Friends take courage. You are not alone in your wait, neither are you alone in the feelings and struggles that come along with being patient. Patiently wait and win in the future which is orchestrated by our father. What are you lacking patience about?

patience

A thousand years

When I listen to this song it touches my heart in so many ways. Sometimes our doubts and circumstances cause us to be fearful. Fearful to give of ourselves to others, fear of going after our dreams, fear of failure, fear of love, fear of sickness, fear of what others will think, and fear of change. This song gives me hope, makes me want to dream…and wait….I am one step closer to the unknown.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Christina Perri- A Thousand years