Recently I have taken the time to think about what matters to me the most. Every year around this time I tend to be hard on myself. I isolate. I pull out my New Years Resolution list. Everything on the list is never fully completed. It never fails that I feel disappointed in myself, and I anxiously try to think of a plan to retract myself. No more of this!
These last few weeks I begin to ask the Lord to help me focus on what is important. I have come to a place in prayer where I desire for him to reveal to me what “HE” feels is important for my life. Often what he feels, and what I feel are very different . There are things he desires for me, and there are things that I want (Isaiah 55:8). To be honest.. I often find myself torn between the two. When I was trained as a counselor, we were challenged and reminded daily to examine our intentions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I desire these things? What is driving my actions? What is my heart revealing? Why I am acting this way? We push our clients to think through these ideas. These person centered thoughts have become ingrained into the fiber of who I am. There is not one single day that I am not reflecting on these things. As a result, time and time again God humbles me and reveals my impure and selfish intentions. Amazingly this process has caused me to be more sensitive, and more understanding to others then I can ever imagine. But the downside is this.. I focus so much on myself and the intentions of others, that I forget to think about God and his intentions towards me. Do not be mistaken… The thoughts and plans you have for yourself will NEVER be better than the plans that God has towards you. The more I pursue life for myself, the further from Christ I will be. My desire is to fill up my thoughts of God, in the place I would normally place myself. My desire is to forfeit my will, and change my behavior. He demands and deserves to be the center of my thoughts. I cant help but to wish that I spent more time this year searching why God feels the way he does, instead of why I feel the way I do. What is his plan for me, instead of my own goals and desires. God your will, not my own.
I know I havent been patient and I know I havent waited long enough…But I am ready. Ready for something new. Somewhere new. Ready for someone just like you. Daily I’ve meditated about whats to come. What you have for me next and who you have for me next. Where you’d have for me to go.
I know that I am blessed, but maybe I haven’t counted my blessings lately, because I feel desperate. Desperate for whats next, for whats to come. Please begin to develop patience in me. Know that I will never stop looking to the hills with my hands far stretched. Stretched out to the one who is sovereign in my life. You know me more than anyone. You know what I feel, what I need and what my future holds. I can rejoice in your faithfulness. Because even when I have been disappointed I can have confidence that you are involved.
Friends take courage. You are not alone in your wait, neither are you alone in the feelings and struggles that come along with being patient. Patiently wait and win in the future which is orchestrated by our father. What are you lacking patience about?
My birthday is one week from today. Even though I will not be turning 30 yet. I must say this is a bittersweet birthday. It has awakened many new realities. One being that I’m not a spring chicken anymore, but I’m not quit that older woman who I used to be afraid to be when I was in my teens. I’ve accomplished all that I have set out to do this far. But the mark of 30 is fastly approaching, has caused me to embark and begin to create new and exciting goals for the future. Lately I’ve been sitting back and thinking “What do I want to do now”? “Where do I want to go now?” I must admit that question will be answered much more differently today then 5 years ago…lol. My mindset has matured significantly.The way that I view life, suffering, experiences, and getting older is something I think about more deeply and often. When your birthday comes around people ask “Do you feel differently?” Well my answer is yes. I do feel differently. Different in a way that I no longer want to live the rest of my days solely and independent of myself. Getting older makes you reflect on your mistakes, your accomplishments, and think about the things you want to do differently. Or continue to do but improve. God knew me before I was in my mother womb, and he had a plan for me. I was designed and wired for that plan. Now I have to ensure that it happens.
Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Sometimes I have to read this to believe it. Mom sent this to me one morning , and I saved it to my phone. Its a great reminder