What’s most important?

Recently I have taken the time to think about what matters to me the most. Every year around this time I tend to be hard on myself. I isolate. I pull out my New Years Resolution list. Everything on the list is never fully completed. It never fails that I feel disappointed in myself, and I anxiously try to think of a plan to retract myself. No more of this!

These last few weeks I begin to ask the Lord to help me focus on what is important. I have come to a place in prayer where I desire for him to reveal to me what “HE” feels is important for my life. Often what he feels, and what I feel are very different . There are things he desires for me, and there are things that I want (Isaiah 55:8).  To be honest.. I often find myself torn between the two. When I was trained as a counselor, we were challenged and reminded daily to examine our intentions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I desire these things? What is driving my actions? What is my heart revealing? Why I am acting this way? We push our clients to think through these ideas. These person centered thoughts have become ingrained into the fiber of who I am. There is not one single day that I am not reflecting on these things. As a result, time and time again God humbles me and reveals my impure and selfish intentions. Amazingly this process has caused me to be more sensitive, and more understanding to others then I can ever imagine. But the downside is this.. I focus so much on myself and the intentions of others, that I forget to think about God and his intentions towards me. Do not be mistaken… The thoughts and plans you have for yourself will NEVER be better than the plans that God has towards you. The more I pursue life for myself, the further from Christ I will be. My desire is to fill up my thoughts of God, in the place I would normally place myself. My desire is to forfeit my will, and change my behavior. He demands and deserves to be the center of my thoughts. I cant help but to wish that I spent more time this year searching why God feels the way he does, instead of why I feel the way I do. What is his plan for me, instead of my own goals and desires. God your will, not my own.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

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No framework

Grad school taught me how to reflect…. How to reflect on my emotions, what I am feeling and why.Reflection has taught me the good and the ugly about myself. My driving desires, my preconceived notions, my ungodly motives, defense mechanisms, and my selfish passions. It has also taught me that I am extremely tolerant of others, very selfless, and think more like Christ then I’d often give myself credit for.  This framework tends to keep you on your toes about sin and character flaws. While often reminding me of how much I have grown. How I am no longer a person that I am ashamed of.

Yeah I guess I am the overly rational one. You know, the girl who takes pen and paper and write down the pros and cons before life’s decisions.  The girl who thinks of every possible outcome of a situation, just to try to prepare my heart for whatever God will allow to happen to me. I replay different scenarios. Think of others that have been in similar or common situations. I go through the archives of my brain of previous conversations, advice, and wise counsel from those who have made mistakes before me. Often times being selfish and not including God while all this ranting and thinking is going on. Who do I think I am not to include him? That’s foolish. Wow, this is really the essence of who I am, who I have become. This is engrained vs. ingrained in my makeup. I really have a love/ hate relationship for this part of who I am.I mean that’s why I started this blog in the first place.

Sometimes I just sit back and imagine how it would be just to let go…. To just float, I have been testing the waters a little lately. No pens, no paper, no post it notes locked in my phone, No “there’s no possible way because”. To maybe undo this psychological framework and “just be”.What would that be like? Probably a mess I tell myself. I like to think that this brings me structure but sometimes it is so much more about control. We like to have control over our lives, over who we love, over our future, and even how we die and who dies..lol. Its silly!!  Because of so many reasons that I don’t feel like going into right now. My framework feels so right. It feels safe, easy, warm and comfortable like my favorite brown throw blanket. Or like my favorite running sneakers I examined today with the torn flapping sole. I love those sneakers they make me feel so light on my feet.

 

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Beauty in Helplessness

Be willing to feel helpless and disturbed,it results in a self- disciplined and passionate life rather than in a controlling life that fears what may surprisingly arise. (Allender, 2006).

I love this quote it touched me.It is usually difficult to describe helplessness as being such a healthy and acceptable thing. It is a very beautiful characteristic of being a leader. And as a counselor being able to help your client to understand that helplessness is not always bad is very progressive for the therapeutic process.

Do not allow complex situations to make you become emotional, irrational, or self seeking. My desire is to get to a place where I can communicate with God and have peace that he can help me to handle situations as such through him. And the healthy response to helplessness would be openness and courage to embrace the complexity and have faith that God is still in control. Complexity in life is inevitable, and experienced even more often being a leader.

Rescued

I often think of how I have overcome things in my life. By all means it is not by my own strength. I know that it is only by Gods love. He rescued me. My future is uncertain but it will never change what I know is certain about the Lord. God, I often remind myself of all of your promises. My heart then begins to be filled with peace. I am Humbled and drowned by my faith in you. I can always find hope and light knowing that I am forever yours. I often listen to this song and it always touches my heart.

Ladybria

Maybe I ..

thinksaySo I have not blogged in over a week and I must say I have been pretty anxious about it…my mind is feeling pretty cluttered. But as a sit here for 30 mins plus- still no topic, nothing to write about.  So many things are going through my mind but I just can’t find the words to write them. Its like I know what I feel but I’m not quite sure how Id like to express them. Maybe because there is so many things inside me to express?  These thoughts and emotions have been bottled up for days. And I’m starting to feel like blogging is one of the ways to get them out. Wow, have I become dependent upon my own therapeutic blog, which is supposed to be therapeutic for others? Im fine with that…. Maybe I feel this way because my new job has consumed the time that I used to spend with the Lord; time in his presence, deep reflection, and surreal mediation as I would sit patiently waiting to hear back from him. Man do I miss that time. Maybe I feel this way because I am realizing that I am turning 29 years old in less than one month and it brings up a lot of mixed emotions. Maybe I’m realizing that heartache is something that only time can truly heal. No matter how much you pray, or block it out your mind. Maybe I’m realizing that I have so much to be grateful for that I often overlook my blessings, and I feel really guilty about that. Maybe I feel this way because I sooooo desperately want to see myself the way God sees me because I secretly feel like that would change my life forever. Maybe Im realizing that being an entrepreneur and working full- time is much harder than I anticipated. Maybe I feel this way because my friends mother almost died. I feel this way because I know that the more you know the more you realize that you don’t know. I realize that all of my legalistic ways mean nothing to God so now I have to reconstruct my schema. Maybe I feel this way because I’ll never be perfect, but I can be close to it if I keep realizing the “maybe’s” about myself.Maybe I realize I have a “Clutter Brain” that I am still learning to accept that. What have you realized?

Topicless,

Ladybria

My Fictional life

I never missed an episode!
I never missed an episode!

 

Being the youngest and “like” the only child you learn to create your realities. You learn to fantasize, build, imagine and entertain yourself to have fun. I was really into movies when I was younger.  I was truly intrigued by fictional  characters that were unconventional, powerful and adventurous. Such as Annie, Pippi LongStocking, Pee Wee Herman’s playhouse, Roxie, Leroy from the ” The Last Dragon”, and The Neverending Story. And even now one my favorite movies is “Lord of the Rings”. I would watch each movie several times a day and learn all the parts then act them out word by word, and escape. My sisters say that they couldn’t believe how much a loved movies at such a young age.I was intrigued by these characters. They were so bold, courageous, they traveled, they faced their fears, they never committed to one place or one thing. My small world, small feet and hands, my little eyes, and inexperience would often escape our world into theirs. I so miss those days and they will never be forgotten.  These characters were my heros!  Little did I know that into adulthood my personality and character would be shaped by these fictional characters. Growing into adulthood I resemble these characters in many ways. Always looking to travel, explore cultures, trying new things, unconventional, loner,taking things into my own hands, conquering, constantly being involved, wanting to be the first to know, or make a change somewhere. And like a little girl replaying those movies over and over to remember every song, and every word.I could never be satisfied until a accomplish what I sat out to do. Whatever life quest was at that time.

But as you mature you learn that life isn’t always an adventure, a new and exciting quest waiting to be conquered. No matter how much you plan, things just isn’t going to go your way every time. You can’t always put a plan together and expect it to end in victory like my favorite childhood movies. I’ve lived a pretty satisfying and fulfilling life as a young lady. And I never take that for granted. But never did I think I would have to face monsters of hopelessness, loneliness, heartache, confusion, disappointment, and brokenness.

Quest can be dark, lonely, damp, with no swords as we fight giants and monsters that have the potential to destroy us! These experiences have made me afraid to go down those paths again. Then there are those people who you met along the way. Your certain they would travel the long distance with you, until the end. But they quit, betrayed you, or decided that your quest wasn’t worth conquering anymore. Is this what happens in adventures? I don’t remember this part in my movies. This new-found reality turned my world upside down, and still does to this day. In the movies quest are taken because there is a purpose, there is something that needs to be conquered, or obtained. What purpose does my life journeys seek after? In real life and real-time you overcome some, and you fail some…. without any explanation. God takes us on quest that doesn’t always end in victories in our minds. But God knows the final plan, the strategies, and he has the final say. He knows the beginning and the end of our quest. We are walking vessels with no direction during this quest called life. And he constantly reassures us that he is leading the way, even when our quest aren’t adventurous… This is my new-found reality in my world of fantasy.

I watched this until the VHS taped popped
I watched this until the VHS taped popped

Fav childhood movie. This is why my close family members call me "Annie"
Fav childhood movie. This is why my close family members call me “Annie”

The Last Dragon

pippi