My Long Journey Against Change


One thing I know about myself is that I DO NOT do well with change. I have dismiss the idea because I feel anxiety and my stomach turns just thinking about it.  I can be a control freak, and I become rigid in my thinking when taking risk. About a year ago, I came to the realization that my resistance to change begin to affect those who I love, and it started to stunt my growth. When did I become so uptight? When did I become so selfish? Most importantly when did I stop relying on God?  To take it a step further… did I ever fully rely on him? As a Christian I was ashamed to even admit that! At work I even avoided firing someone who definitely needed to go. Just because I didn’t want change in my department. Talk about foolishness! I went to the Lord in prayer “God help me to accept change. Help me to accept failure…. and help me to realize that you still love and have grace towards me when I fall”.

My life began to change, and it was unbelievably hard. I begin to let loose on my safety ropes ,and begin to take those 100 volt risk. It definitely has been a long process and a journey. I did things that I would NEVER do. I stumbled a lot, I was so afraid, I cried in discomfort, I tripped a few times. I succeeded and I have also failed. I must admit my failures go straight to my heart. I feel the full impact of the landing. They feel permanent, rejected, sometimes piercing, heavy, or like a tear.  I like stability. I don’t like feeling caught off guard. I like the known. I like planning my future. I don’t like my normal to be snatched away. I like knowing the essence, and intent of people in my life. I like to be liked.  I love to be transparent. I enjoy the process, but hate the ending. How am to have this ideology, in a world with everything being unpredictable. Life is unpredictable. TRUMP IS PRESIDENT! And I am in denial about the change that Obama is  I am maturing and beginning to look at change differently. I had to begin to not fear change or avoid it, but look at it as necessary and inevitable. Our relationships change, if not entirely, the circumstances change, our feelings change, other people’s feelings change, our bodies change, nothing is ever exactly the same each moment. We can not fully embrace God while holding on to our lives. Change is necessary for growth. I have no choice but to let go.

Matthew 6:27-33 –Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.








What’s most important?

Recently I have taken the time to think about what matters to me the most. Every year around this time I tend to be hard on myself. I isolate. I pull out my New Years Resolution list. Everything on the list is never fully completed. It never fails that I feel disappointed in myself, and I anxiously try to think of a plan to retract myself. No more of this!

These last few weeks I begin to ask the Lord to help me focus on what is important. I have come to a place in prayer where I desire for him to reveal to me what “HE” feels is important for my life. Often what he feels, and what I feel are very different . There are things he desires for me, and there are things that I want (Isaiah 55:8).  To be honest.. I often find myself torn between the two. When I was trained as a counselor, we were challenged and reminded daily to examine our intentions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I desire these things? What is driving my actions? What is my heart revealing? Why I am acting this way? We push our clients to think through these ideas. These person centered thoughts have become ingrained into the fiber of who I am. There is not one single day that I am not reflecting on these things. As a result, time and time again God humbles me and reveals my impure and selfish intentions. Amazingly this process has caused me to be more sensitive, and more understanding to others then I can ever imagine. But the downside is this.. I focus so much on myself and the intentions of others, that I forget to think about God and his intentions towards me. Do not be mistaken… The thoughts and plans you have for yourself will NEVER be better than the plans that God has towards you. The more I pursue life for myself, the further from Christ I will be. My desire is to fill up my thoughts of God, in the place I would normally place myself. My desire is to forfeit my will, and change my behavior. He demands and deserves to be the center of my thoughts. I cant help but to wish that I spent more time this year searching why God feels the way he does, instead of why I feel the way I do. What is his plan for me, instead of my own goals and desires. God your will, not my own.

Jeremiah 29:11-13


Beauty in Helplessness

Be willing to feel helpless and disturbed,it results in a self- disciplined and passionate life rather than in a controlling life that fears what may surprisingly arise. (Allender, 2006).

I love this quote it touched me.It is usually difficult to describe helplessness as being such a healthy and acceptable thing. It is a very beautiful characteristic of being a leader. And as a counselor being able to help your client to understand that helplessness is not always bad is very progressive for the therapeutic process.

Do not allow complex situations to make you become emotional, irrational, or self seeking. My desire is to get to a place where I can communicate with God and have peace that he can help me to handle situations as such through him. And the healthy response to helplessness would be openness and courage to embrace the complexity and have faith that God is still in control. Complexity in life is inevitable, and experienced even more often being a leader.

What kind of friendship is this?

This is a repost from my facebook notes:

Hey guys today I was reading this really good book by Dr. Myles Monroe and I came across some good stuff about friendships that can encourage us all to be a better to someone else. I think you all will find this interesting. U can apply this to ur relationships with the opposite sex also

Basically, the book says this

1. Acquaintances- occasional contact with very basic or general knowledge of each other. But this person is in your life for a reason.

2. Casual friendships- relationship with common interest, activities and concerns. Casual friends meet more frequently then acquaintances. More personal, sharing, laughing, involved, talking, participating in common goals.

3 Close friendship/ fellowship- mutual goals in life, mutual values and beliefs and worldviews, mutual projects together, genuine common fellowship. Traveling towards the same direction in life. Most ppl never get this far in relationships.

4. And then the highest level of friendship which is Intimate friendship and fellowship. – “Which very few ppl have” This is a committed to the development of each other character. This is beyond common interest but is when there is intimacy of spirit and mind rather than body. But walk together in oneness of the spirit.

Such intimacy among friends requires the freedom to correct each other, which is why this level seldom happens and can be risky amongs friends. Being open to correction means making ourselves vulnerable and many ppl are not willing to do that. So they never experience true intimacy with friends or in a relationship.. Intimate friends are driven to do everything in their power to help each other be better than the day before. We need to ask ourselves: Do I have that kind of friend? But more importantly “Am I that kind of friend to someone”? It is here where true intimacy begins to take place (and im not talking about sex) lol. True friends look out for each other welfare. They aren’t afraid to “Don’t do that, becuz its not good” They would say or do anything to put pressure on each other that can lead to damaged or compromised character. As believers in Christ we should reserve our intimate friendships for other believers, because then we are mutually committed to helping each other live and walk in the will and purpose of God and to develop godly character. This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t build relationship with non- believers. How else could they see Christ in us?

Intimate relationships have the capacity to both give and receive correction from each other with grace and appreciation. Intimate friends love each other enough not to let sin, errors or wrong direction go uncorrected to respect and trust each other enough to receive correction w/o resentment or suspicion. They are comfortable in the knowledge that they are committed to each others welfare and greatest good. There is open honesty with discretion. There are some things we can tell our dearest friends that no ne else needs to know. Be willing to give our friend comfort and support during their times of trial and sorrow. And be just as ready at times of success and prosperity.

Be sensitive to each others traits and attitudes that need improvement, not only in our friends lives but also in our own. If we are committed to personal character development, we must be open to ways to improve and help our friends in the same way. Speaking character flaws is not for the purpose of criticism, but for correction. We want them to become the best ppl they can be. As concerned outsiders we can see friends character flaws better than they can. This is a two way street, however. Our friends can also see in us character deficiencies that we cannot see in ourselves. True friends are committed to working with each other to become better. We should search the scriptures for keys to building strong character, either alone or with our friends and discuss our findings. In this way we can grow together.We should always be committed to faithfulness, forgiveness, encouragement, loyalty and availability to each other.

A thousand years

When I listen to this song it touches my heart in so many ways. Sometimes our doubts and circumstances cause us to be fearful. Fearful to give of ourselves to others, fear of going after our dreams, fear of failure, fear of love, fear of sickness, fear of what others will think, and fear of change. This song gives me hope, makes me want to dream…and wait….I am one step closer to the unknown.

1 John 4:18 There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.

Christina Perri- A Thousand years


Searching for a place to rest. A place your heart can be relieved of life that often consumes us. It would feel good to just escape stuff, life’s problems, other people’s problems, my problems. This year has been full of experiences that have struck my heart in significant ways. Emotional highs, emotional lows, emotional stand stills. During these emotional instabilities we want relief so desperately that we try to solve them ourselves by applying our own solutions. You know… Our own remedies, things that give us temporary relief. At times my heart becomes so overwhelmed where I can’t hear your voice that often speaks to me in times of trouble. My soul then becomes so hungry for you because I know that you are the only one who understands. The one who can satisfy my desire to rest when my spirit is broken and weary. I often think back when I called and you came so quickly… but this time it wasn’t as quickly as I hoped for. There was minutes,  which turned to hours, which turned to days. So I looked for you desperately because I could taste the relief close by..  I can’t feel your presence yet, but I just know eventually you’ll come. I wait patiently for you to comfort me or make me understand what has happened. OR just for you to find me. I know you are near…..As I patiently wait I remind myself of what you have done thus far. This gave me light and relief in the midst of this dark place. I’m desperate and humble while waiting patiently at your feet for you to touch my shoulder. I have no clue what I am doing, but seeking you daily has been my only resolve and refuge. I remind myself daily of your promises when you said you would order my steps and you would never leave me as I go through my trials.  I trust you because you have always been faithful and have never left me. In your presence I always find my strength and peace. So I’ll just wait for you. No matter how long it takes I’ll just wait for you. Not because I am so strong but because I have no other choice.

Waiting, Ladybria

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