What’s most important?

Recently I have taken the time to think about what matters to me the most. Every year around this time I tend to be hard on myself. I isolate. I pull out my New Years Resolution list. Everything on the list is never fully completed. It never fails that I feel disappointed in myself, and I anxiously try to think of a plan to retract myself. No more of this!

These last few weeks I begin to ask the Lord to help me focus on what is important. I have come to a place in prayer where I desire for him to reveal to me what “HE” feels is important for my life. Often what he feels, and what I feel are very different . There are things he desires for me, and there are things that I want (Isaiah 55:8).  To be honest.. I often find myself torn between the two. When I was trained as a counselor, we were challenged and reminded daily to examine our intentions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I desire these things? What is driving my actions? What is my heart revealing? Why I am acting this way? We push our clients to think through these ideas. These person centered thoughts have become ingrained into the fiber of who I am. There is not one single day that I am not reflecting on these things. As a result, time and time again God humbles me and reveals my impure and selfish intentions. Amazingly this process has caused me to be more sensitive, and more understanding to others then I can ever imagine. But the downside is this.. I focus so much on myself and the intentions of others, that I forget to think about God and his intentions towards me. Do not be mistaken… The thoughts and plans you have for yourself will NEVER be better than the plans that God has towards you. The more I pursue life for myself, the further from Christ I will be. My desire is to fill up my thoughts of God, in the place I would normally place myself. My desire is to forfeit my will, and change my behavior. He demands and deserves to be the center of my thoughts. I cant help but to wish that I spent more time this year searching why God feels the way he does, instead of why I feel the way I do. What is his plan for me, instead of my own goals and desires. God your will, not my own.

Jeremiah 29:11-13

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No framework

Grad school taught me how to reflect…. How to reflect on my emotions, what I am feeling and why.Reflection has taught me the good and the ugly about myself. My driving desires, my preconceived notions, my ungodly motives, defense mechanisms, and my selfish passions. It has also taught me that I am extremely tolerant of others, very selfless, and think more like Christ then I’d often give myself credit for.  This framework tends to keep you on your toes about sin and character flaws. While often reminding me of how much I have grown. How I am no longer a person that I am ashamed of.

Yeah I guess I am the overly rational one. You know, the girl who takes pen and paper and write down the pros and cons before life’s decisions.  The girl who thinks of every possible outcome of a situation, just to try to prepare my heart for whatever God will allow to happen to me. I replay different scenarios. Think of others that have been in similar or common situations. I go through the archives of my brain of previous conversations, advice, and wise counsel from those who have made mistakes before me. Often times being selfish and not including God while all this ranting and thinking is going on. Who do I think I am not to include him? That’s foolish. Wow, this is really the essence of who I am, who I have become. This is engrained vs. ingrained in my makeup. I really have a love/ hate relationship for this part of who I am.I mean that’s why I started this blog in the first place.

Sometimes I just sit back and imagine how it would be just to let go…. To just float, I have been testing the waters a little lately. No pens, no paper, no post it notes locked in my phone, No “there’s no possible way because”. To maybe undo this psychological framework and “just be”.What would that be like? Probably a mess I tell myself. I like to think that this brings me structure but sometimes it is so much more about control. We like to have control over our lives, over who we love, over our future, and even how we die and who dies..lol. Its silly!!  Because of so many reasons that I don’t feel like going into right now. My framework feels so right. It feels safe, easy, warm and comfortable like my favorite brown throw blanket. Or like my favorite running sneakers I examined today with the torn flapping sole. I love those sneakers they make me feel so light on my feet.

 

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Your Everything

Find me here, and speak to me
I want to feel you, I need to hear you
You are the light that’s leading me to the place
Where I find peace again
You are the strength that keeps me walking
You are the hope that keeps me trusting
You are the life to my soul
You are my purpose
You’re everything
And how can I stand here with you
And not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms and you give me rest
You hold me in your hands
You won’t let me fall
You steal my heart and you take my breath away
Would you take me in, take me deeper now
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

Cause you’re all I want, you’re all I need
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want
You’re all I need
Everything, everything

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better-any better than this
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this

This is one of my favorite songs “Everything” by Lifehouse. I love to listen to this early in the morning when my brain is all cluttered with thoughts. It sets me right on track and reminds me how I am nothing without him. What beautiful worship

All or nothing

All or nothing.

Never be satisfied with a piece of someone, when your willing to give all of yourself. Its better just to walk away, and wait to become whole. Guard your heart.Your worth it plus more. In the beginning it will be hard and feel like your heart is empty. But the relationship that God has with us and expects from us is an example of true relationships and love. That’s what he wants for you. He expects to have our hearts, mind, body and soul. Don’t be afraid to give that.

Agape, Ladybria

Give All or Nothing

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Growing Pains

Growing Pains, forced to grow after being ripped out of your fantasy into reality

After a wound there is still a scar. A scar to remind you of that painful experience 

Growing changes your perspective, your reality, your character, your outlook. But sometimes the pain shadows the growth that has taken forth. Or that will progressively transform you.

Always remember, the most significant thing in growing pain is the growth not the pain.

Birthday

My birthday is one week from today. Even though I will not be turning 30 yet. I must say this is a bittersweet birthday. It has awakened many new realities. One being that I’m not a spring chicken anymore, but I’m not quit that older woman who I used to be afraid to be when I was in my teens. I’ve accomplished all that I have set out to do this far. But the mark of 30 is fastly approaching, has caused me to embark and begin to create  new and exciting goals for the future. Lately I’ve been sitting back and thinking “What do I want to do now”? “Where do I want to go now?”  I must admit that question will be answered much more differently today then 5 years ago…lol. My mindset has matured significantly.The way that I view life, suffering, experiences, and getting older is something I think about more deeply and often. When your birthday comes around people ask “Do you feel differently?” Well my answer is yes. I do feel differently. Different in a way that I no longer want to live the rest of my days solely and independent of myself. Getting older makes you reflect on your mistakes, your accomplishments, and think about the things you want to do differently. Or continue to do but improve. God knew me before I was in my mother womb, and he had a plan for me. I was designed and wired for that plan. Now I have to ensure that it happens.

Jeremiah 29:11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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Rescued

I often think of how I have overcome things in my life. By all means it is not by my own strength. I know that it is only by Gods love. He rescued me. My future is uncertain but it will never change what I know is certain about the Lord. God, I often remind myself of all of your promises. My heart then begins to be filled with peace. I am Humbled and drowned by my faith in you. I can always find hope and light knowing that I am forever yours. I often listen to this song and it always touches my heart.

Ladybria