My Long Journey Against Change


One thing I know about myself is that I DO NOT do well with change. I have dismiss the idea because I feel anxiety and my stomach turns just thinking about it.  I can be a control freak, and I become rigid in my thinking when taking risk. About a year ago, I came to the realization that my resistance to change begin to affect those who I love, and it started to stunt my growth. When did I become so uptight? When did I become so selfish? Most importantly when did I stop relying on God?  To take it a step further… did I ever fully rely on him? As a Christian I was ashamed to even admit that! At work I even avoided firing someone who definitely needed to go. Just because I didn’t want change in my department. Talk about foolishness! I went to the Lord in prayer “God help me to accept change. Help me to accept failure…. and help me to realize that you still love and have grace towards me when I fall”.

My life began to change, and it was unbelievably hard. I begin to let loose on my safety ropes ,and begin to take those 100 volt risk. It definitely has been a long process and a journey. I did things that I would NEVER do. I stumbled a lot, I was so afraid, I cried in discomfort, I tripped a few times. I succeeded and I have also failed. I must admit my failures go straight to my heart. I feel the full impact of the landing. They feel permanent, rejected, sometimes piercing, heavy, or like a tear.  I like stability. I don’t like feeling caught off guard. I like the known. I like planning my future. I don’t like my normal to be snatched away. I like knowing the essence, and intent of people in my life. I like to be liked.  I love to be transparent. I enjoy the process, but hate the ending. How am to have this ideology, in a world with everything being unpredictable. Life is unpredictable. TRUMP IS PRESIDENT! And I am in denial about the change that Obama is  I am maturing and beginning to look at change differently. I had to begin to not fear change or avoid it, but look at it as necessary and inevitable. Our relationships change, if not entirely, the circumstances change, our feelings change, other people’s feelings change, our bodies change, nothing is ever exactly the same each moment. We can not fully embrace God while holding on to our lives. Change is necessary for growth. I have no choice but to let go.

Matthew 6:27-33 –Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.








Growing Pains

Growing Pains, forced to grow after being ripped out of your fantasy into reality

After a wound there is still a scar. A scar to remind you of that painful experience 

Growing changes your perspective, your reality, your character, your outlook. But sometimes the pain shadows the growth that has taken forth. Or that will progressively transform you.

Always remember, the most significant thing in growing pain is the growth not the pain.


Searching for a place to rest. A place your heart can be relieved of life that often consumes us. It would feel good to just escape stuff, life’s problems, other people’s problems, my problems. This year has been full of experiences that have struck my heart in significant ways. Emotional highs, emotional lows, emotional stand stills. During these emotional instabilities we want relief so desperately that we try to solve them ourselves by applying our own solutions. You know… Our own remedies, things that give us temporary relief. At times my heart becomes so overwhelmed where I can’t hear your voice that often speaks to me in times of trouble. My soul then becomes so hungry for you because I know that you are the only one who understands. The one who can satisfy my desire to rest when my spirit is broken and weary. I often think back when I called and you came so quickly… but this time it wasn’t as quickly as I hoped for. There was minutes,  which turned to hours, which turned to days. So I looked for you desperately because I could taste the relief close by..  I can’t feel your presence yet, but I just know eventually you’ll come. I wait patiently for you to comfort me or make me understand what has happened. OR just for you to find me. I know you are near…..As I patiently wait I remind myself of what you have done thus far. This gave me light and relief in the midst of this dark place. I’m desperate and humble while waiting patiently at your feet for you to touch my shoulder. I have no clue what I am doing, but seeking you daily has been my only resolve and refuge. I remind myself daily of your promises when you said you would order my steps and you would never leave me as I go through my trials.  I trust you because you have always been faithful and have never left me. In your presence I always find my strength and peace. So I’ll just wait for you. No matter how long it takes I’ll just wait for you. Not because I am so strong but because I have no other choice.

Waiting, Ladybria

get-attachment (2)


Heartache- The sorrow that comes after a significant loss of a loved one or disappointment in a relationship.

What is my heartache relative to the death, war and destruction in your nations? Do I have the right to grieve love, when I have others around me that love me?  Do I have the right to be heartbroken when others have suffered much more, and have pain that I could never imagine enduring?

I experienced heartache at a much older age then others. Im still trying to figure out if its better or worst that way. But that’s not important because it’s bad either way. So bad that I wouldn’t wish the feeling on the person that caused me the pain. I’ve always heard of such pain, seen the signs, symptoms and prognosis. I’ve even shed tears with loved ones throughout the process. But you never truly know heartache if you’ve never experienced heartache. Maybe that’s why God seen it fit that I get a spoonful of heartache. Not just a taste of someone else’s. It was a spoonful of sickness, a spoonful of sleepless nights, a spoonful of crying, restlessness, weakness, clutter brain and even sadness. Each spoonful had a different taste, but none of them were enjoyable or even tolerable. It was just the taste of nasty regrets and faded memories whose true essence would never be captured again. I would extend grace to my offender in hopes to ease my pain. But Lord you set my heartache experience up in a way that new mysteries would continue to unfolded daily. New facets, new tragedies, new undesired flavors on my spoon. It was bitter to the taste and painful to my spirit! So I had to make a decision to extent that same grace to my offender, that is extended to me daily because you died on the cross.

This experience makes me think of all the other suffering that I haven’t experience that God could decide that he wants me to experience firsthand. “GOD is there something I need to prove to you?  What are you trying to teach me? Could you have taught me a different way?  Just don’t let me have to ever experience heartache again”.Then I realized that you probably won’t let me experience heartache again, but there are so many other trials and tribulations much greater than heartache, that you might call me to experience.  The reality is that God doesn’t only orchestra the good things in our lives, but he allows the bad things too.

My heart says“What can I say? What can I do, but offer this aching heart oh God completely to you” Hillsong United