Recently I have taken the time to think about what matters to me the most. Every year around this time I tend to be hard on myself. I isolate. I pull out my New Years Resolution list. Everything on the list is never fully completed. It never fails that I feel disappointed in myself, and I anxiously try to think of a plan to retract myself. No more of this!
These last few weeks I begin to ask the Lord to help me focus on what is important. I have come to a place in prayer where I desire for him to reveal to me what “HE” feels is important for my life. Often what he feels, and what I feel are very different . There are things he desires for me, and there are things that I want (Isaiah 55:8). To be honest.. I often find myself torn between the two. When I was trained as a counselor, we were challenged and reminded daily to examine our intentions. Why do I feel this way? Why do I desire these things? What is driving my actions? What is my heart revealing? Why I am acting this way? We push our clients to think through these ideas. These person centered thoughts have become ingrained into the fiber of who I am. There is not one single day that I am not reflecting on these things. As a result, time and time again God humbles me and reveals my impure and selfish intentions. Amazingly this process has caused me to be more sensitive, and more understanding to others then I can ever imagine. But the downside is this.. I focus so much on myself and the intentions of others, that I forget to think about God and his intentions towards me. Do not be mistaken… The thoughts and plans you have for yourself will NEVER be better than the plans that God has towards you. The more I pursue life for myself, the further from Christ I will be. My desire is to fill up my thoughts of God, in the place I would normally place myself. My desire is to forfeit my will, and change my behavior. He demands and deserves to be the center of my thoughts. I cant help but to wish that I spent more time this year searching why God feels the way he does, instead of why I feel the way I do. What is his plan for me, instead of my own goals and desires. God your will, not my own.
There is a place I often hear about when I ask my clients “How do you feel?” The response is “I don’t know”. Some things happen and words are to hard too explain. Its only something you can feel, because feelings are often too difficult to describe. The aftermath of the experience equals zero energy inside of you, but the feelings seems like it is 100% of who you are. No outcome, no meaning, just numb.
Some experiences shatter the belief systems that give meaning to your relationships. Especially the traumatic ones. Basic human relationships are then called into question. It goes from meaning to confusion, instantaneously. Your faith is violated, naturally or divine and you are left in crisis. Traumatic experiences breech attachments and the link between us and the world. Traumatic events destroy the victims assumptions about safety in the world, people and the value of self. Even though this is an unknown place. God would not have you to experience such things without the possibility of recovery. Recovery from past, present, and future trauma. Ask how to start your recovery today.
Heartache- The sorrow that comes after a significant loss of a loved one or disappointment in a relationship.
What is my heartache relative to the death, war and destruction in your nations? Do I have the right to grieve love, when I have others around me that love me? Do I have the right to be heartbroken when others have suffered much more, and have pain that I could never imagine enduring?
I experienced heartache at a much older age then others. Im still trying to figure out if its better or worst that way. But that’s not important because it’s bad either way. So bad that I wouldn’t wish the feeling on the person that caused me the pain. I’ve always heard of such pain, seen the signs, symptoms and prognosis. I’ve even shed tears with loved ones throughout the process. But you never truly know heartache if you’ve never experienced heartache. Maybe that’s why God seen it fit that I get a spoonful of heartache. Not just a taste of someone else’s. It was a spoonful of sickness, a spoonful of sleepless nights, a spoonful of crying, restlessness, weakness, clutter brain and even sadness. Each spoonful had a different taste, but none of them were enjoyable or even tolerable. It was just the taste of nasty regrets and faded memories whose true essence would never be captured again. I would extend grace to my offender in hopes to ease my pain. But Lord you set my heartache experience up in a way that new mysteries would continue to unfolded daily. New facets, new tragedies, new undesired flavors on my spoon. It was bitter to the taste and painful to my spirit! So I had to make a decision to extent that same grace to my offender, that is extended to me daily because you died on the cross.
This experience makes me think of all the other suffering that I haven’t experience that God could decide that he wants me to experience firsthand. “GOD is there something I need to prove to you? What are you trying to teach me? Could you have taught me a different way? Just don’t let me have to ever experience heartache again”.Then I realized that you probably won’t let me experience heartache again, but there are so many other trials and tribulations much greater than heartache, that you might call me to experience. The reality is that God doesn’t only orchestra the good things in our lives, but he allows the bad things too.
My heart says“What can I say? What can I do, but offer this aching heart oh God completely to you” Hillsong United