My Long Journey Against Change

chnage

One thing I know about myself is that I DO NOT do well with change. I have dismiss the idea because I feel anxiety and my stomach turns just thinking about it.  I can be a control freak, and I become rigid in my thinking when taking risk. About a year ago, I came to the realization that my resistance to change begin to affect those who I love, and it started to stunt my growth. When did I become so uptight? When did I become so selfish? Most importantly when did I stop relying on God?  To take it a step further… did I ever fully rely on him? As a Christian I was ashamed to even admit that! At work I even avoided firing someone who definitely needed to go. Just because I didn’t want change in my department. Talk about foolishness! I went to the Lord in prayer “God help me to accept change. Help me to accept failure…. and help me to realize that you still love and have grace towards me when I fall”.

My life began to change, and it was unbelievably hard. I begin to let loose on my safety ropes ,and begin to take those 100 volt risk. It definitely has been a long process and a journey. I did things that I would NEVER do. I stumbled a lot, I was so afraid, I cried in discomfort, I tripped a few times. I succeeded and I have also failed. I must admit my failures go straight to my heart. I feel the full impact of the landing. They feel permanent, rejected, sometimes piercing, heavy, or like a tear.  I like stability. I don’t like feeling caught off guard. I like the known. I like planning my future. I don’t like my normal to be snatched away. I like knowing the essence, and intent of people in my life. I like to be liked.  I love to be transparent. I enjoy the process, but hate the ending. How am to have this ideology, in a world with everything being unpredictable. Life is unpredictable. TRUMP IS PRESIDENT! And I am in denial about the change that Obama is not..lol.  I am maturing and beginning to look at change differently. I had to begin to not fear change or avoid it, but look at it as necessary and inevitable. Our relationships change, if not entirely, the circumstances change, our feelings change, other people’s feelings change, our bodies change, nothing is ever exactly the same each moment. We can not fully embrace God while holding on to our lives. Change is necessary for growth. I have no choice but to let go.

Matthew 6:27-33 –Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? And why worry about your clothing? Look at the lilies of the field and how they grow. They don’t work or make their clothing, yet Solomon in all his glory was not dressed as beautifully as they are. And if God cares so wonderfully for wildflowers that are here today and thrown into the fire tomorrow, he will certainly care for you. Why do you have so little faith?

“So don’t worry about these things, saying, ‘What will we eat? What will we drink? What will we wear?’ These things dominate the thoughts of unbelievers, but your heavenly Father already knows all your needs. Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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No framework

Grad school taught me how to reflect…. How to reflect on my emotions, what I am feeling and why.Reflection has taught me the good and the ugly about myself. My driving desires, my preconceived notions, my ungodly motives, defense mechanisms, and my selfish passions. It has also taught me that I am extremely tolerant of others, very selfless, and think more like Christ then I’d often give myself credit for.  This framework tends to keep you on your toes about sin and character flaws. While often reminding me of how much I have grown. How I am no longer a person that I am ashamed of.

Yeah I guess I am the overly rational one. You know, the girl who takes pen and paper and write down the pros and cons before life’s decisions.  The girl who thinks of every possible outcome of a situation, just to try to prepare my heart for whatever God will allow to happen to me. I replay different scenarios. Think of others that have been in similar or common situations. I go through the archives of my brain of previous conversations, advice, and wise counsel from those who have made mistakes before me. Often times being selfish and not including God while all this ranting and thinking is going on. Who do I think I am not to include him? That’s foolish. Wow, this is really the essence of who I am, who I have become. This is engrained vs. ingrained in my makeup. I really have a love/ hate relationship for this part of who I am.I mean that’s why I started this blog in the first place.

Sometimes I just sit back and imagine how it would be just to let go…. To just float, I have been testing the waters a little lately. No pens, no paper, no post it notes locked in my phone, No “there’s no possible way because”. To maybe undo this psychological framework and “just be”.What would that be like? Probably a mess I tell myself. I like to think that this brings me structure but sometimes it is so much more about control. We like to have control over our lives, over who we love, over our future, and even how we die and who dies..lol. Its silly!!  Because of so many reasons that I don’t feel like going into right now. My framework feels so right. It feels safe, easy, warm and comfortable like my favorite brown throw blanket. Or like my favorite running sneakers I examined today with the torn flapping sole. I love those sneakers they make me feel so light on my feet.

 

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